[FIFTY-NINETH ENTRY]

I am losing my mind… I must be. That is the only thing that makes sense at this point. My dreams seem to dance between one extreme or another. On one hand they are dark, morose and full of shadowy, twisted figments of the past. On the other… little more than cheery flashes, the scent of lavender, the calm of a windswept meadow full of daisies. Some moments I wake gripped by a fear I cannot explain readily. In those moments there are no dreams that touch my conscious mind. Silently I would walk the length and breadth of the temple and can only draw breath once my eyes fall on the peacefully sleeping faces of the children.

That sensation that something is close at hand, something on the verge of going awry, my constant companion. Sometimes I leave the room only to come back and find something out of place. Did I leave my journal laying open on the desk? Was that book on the shelf? Was I in the middle of something and walked away leaving the chopping knife on the table? Surely I made the bed? Am I losing my mind? Or is the explanation far more mundane?

I know there are those that walk among the shadows as easy as breathing, and while all are not so cruel, I know one capable and more than willing to cause such mischief… But so far she has had no qualms about taking responsibility for her ‘gifts’. I think there is more to her than she is willing to admit. She seems to expect cruelty, abandonment or even betrayal, she also seems to work under her own idea of justice and punishment. I doubt the girl has seen a shred of mercy in all her days, she appears Elven, so that may well be many. I cannot help but think there is hope for her. I at least have to try. Even if everyone thinks me daft… I have to at least try

Speaking of helping… things with Elrith are proving disheartening for Esen and Emrys. I must say it nearly broke my heart to see her cower in the corner… or to hear her fear and uncertainty as she faced wolves. This once proud warrior woman of the wilds who faced any foe with defiant confidence. To see my once valiant sister-in-arms hide behind me. Elrith, the woman who unfailingly, unflinchingly placed herself between me and my most formidable enemies…

I thought a simple outing to reassure her faith in herself would do her some good, but instead she was awash with child-like fear. I watched her eat each food prepared with the vigor and awe of a babe tasting something new for the first time, everything is so new to her… she truly is as a small child. Oh my dear Elrith… I know not how, but I have given you my word. I will see you made whole, and those who would inflict this torment upon you will suffer Mercy’s retribution, just punishment and a swift, merciful end that they may not do it again to another.

As if I haven’t enough cause for unease these days, I find the presence of a particular Halfling wholly infuriating, and worrisome for some reason I cannot yet place. He first wandered into the temple a few days ago for a meal. As he turned to go he asked where he could leave a donation. Thinking nothing of it, and brushing off his crass behavior as little more than bad manners he went on his way. I could not help but notice a strangeness in the air as he left. I made my way to the sanctuary to tend my prayers, and as I lay my coins on the alter a single bloodied coin stared up at me… Heads up and covered in blood.

The prickling irritation buzzing in the back of my mind as I gingerly took the coin up. I cleansed and blessed the alter, my prayers and tender devotion immediately effecting the air around me. Indeed it seems the shadows themselves lightened. Brother Marcus said he saw no one enter or leave the sanctuary save the Halfling. While it is not enough to condemn him or turn him away from our door, it was enough to set me on edge, suspicious of this odd little hin.

He further grated my nerves with his presence for another meal. Asking the cost of a meal, stuffing his pockets full of bread… Nothing bothersome of that, if it were not for the fact that he had no intention of sharing, and by the sight of his fine silver-ware and gilded wine flask, he is not so well off that he could not afford a room and a meal at an inn. Still, Mercy turns none away with out good cause, and last I checked, bad manners and greed did not count. Elrith and Emrys had returned from an outing with a man named Noric… I cannot say where I have heard that name before… perhaps in speaking with Joan or Elrith? About Aloria maybe?

Either way he sat and enjoyed a meal, and in the spirit of wanting to help, was making inquiries about our trouble with the Bhaalists… The hin took an uncharacteristically enthusiastic interest in the topic. My disquiet, as it were, I nearly fell off the bench when he slammed his palm on the table. Perhaps sensing my discomfort in the presence of the Halfling, the others paid closer attention to his actions, and my own reactions. Noric, whether he sensed I was not speaking as freely as I liked, was unnerved, or perhaps he simply found the hin’s manners so detestable, left all too quickly, with far too little said. I hope he takes no offense to my behavior, and will not rescind his offer for aid. I told Emrys to extend my apologies when next he saw Noric. The Halfling had the nerve to leave two coins on his empty plate. I thought such insults reserved only for poorly behaved serving wenches? Honestly… if he left that bloodied coin atop the two he left now in mockery! I wish my aggravation was grounds enough to keep him well enough away…

To add to my suspicions… I swear he was following on the outing with Elrith. I know I heard his voice… though he remained unseen, and I could not say for sure… I could not shake the sensation that something sinister lurked in the shadows. When we returned to the temple, there he stood across from the door smoking a pipe, leaned against the wall pretty as you please. Thinking perhaps he was a badly mannered mercenary that really did wish to help ‘guard the place against them Bhaalists’ I sent Emrys and Elrith in so that we could speak. Mind you I carried my side of the conversation on from halfway across the road… Something in his eyes… I just cannot bring myself to trust him… but nor could I turn him away. Besides… these days we do need all the help we can get.

His presence makes my skin crawl! He wanted to guard the temple door in exchange for meals and a bed. Hoping he wouldn’t call my bluff, I told him we hadn’t enough beds, and while in truth we had but one spare at any given time… Tosses a diamond at my feet tells me to use it for more beds. And what in the name of mercy did he mean that he just wanted some company, and that he was rather fond of mine? I pray for the sake of all things merciful that he was referring to polite dinner conversation! Still even that is enough of a thought to turn my stomach. I promise, by the mercies, if he so much as gives me a hairs-width of reason to send him on his way… Just to be safe… Esen is now aware of my qualms with him, as is Emrys. I cannot shake the feeling that something foul lurks just behind that haphazard smile of his.

As the evening came to a close with Elrith’s wide-eyed innocence partaking of chocolate chip cookies, Esen’s troubled quiet prompted me to speak, though he maintained silence, stating earlier he wished not to speak. Finally the truth of what troubles him came to light. I offered the only mercy I had to give then, somehow, exhausted as I was, Ilmater guided my words, and I feel I spoke true enough. Quietly he thanked me for my words and bid me good night.

I lay there for some time listening to the wind outside the temple. I speak bravely… in my heart I know there is ever hope… But sometimes… in those small hours, when all else is silent and the others sleep peacefully… the weight of so many sorrows, the want to ease the pain of those dearest to me… the sheer daunting size of such a task… It is nearly suffocating. I know I can succeed even against such crushing burdens. My faith is my strength… What my faith does not cover my stubborn streak will, at least that is what Brother Dracius tells me.

Trademeet… Seems ages since I left the temple and made my way westward. Ages longer since I walked in darkness and pain. I scan the pages of my life… the scraps and bits, bloodstained and charred, hastily scribbled notes… ragged edges of pages torn in anger and fear, secrets lost to time, the distant ache of a love long torn away like so many pages, whimsy, hopeful dream-strewn passages.

One thing remains constant, even in times before faith, before freedom and strength… I survived. When I have set my mind to a task, or a goal, I have made the best of the worst, learning from it and enduring that which would crumble most. I endure… I succeed. I do not waver. After all these years, that isn’t about to change. Mercy will prevail in the face of these injustices and even the wrath of angry gods will not sway me from my task.
~~

//I know its late darlings =) took a while to get the words right =) Thanks dearly to all of you for adding such depth to Meri's story... //

[SIXTIETH ENTRY]

If ever I look back on this passage, I would want to remind myself that the tears that stain this page are not tears of anguish or sorrow… Not tears of pain or torment… Not tears of darkness and despair… The tears I cry now are none other but reverent joy… A peace so profound I may never find words to do it justice.

The day started much as any other… I tended my duties, and my prayers, prepared the food, delivered some blankets and food to the children at the docks. I even took measures against the little babbling gnome who seemed to find a dozen excuses to get close enough to empty my pockets. Once I finally got wind of what he had been doing, and called him on it… well I doubt I will be seeing him again, but in any rate, if he does return he will find my gold much more difficult to obtain. I tried again to work on a bit of embroidery, and so far my second attempt is going much better. I hope to have it finished in time for Iliara’s birthday. I think it will make a lovely present.

Esen joined me as the morning drew late, and we chatted for a bit, and generally enjoyed what was turning into a calm and rather pleasant afternoon. We were later joined by a surprise guest, that I must say caught me completely off guard. Esen asked of my plans for the day to which I wryly responded.

‘I hadn’t dared make plans… that usually ends badly.’

‘Badly how?’

‘Usually interrupted by some ne’er do well… I end up running for my life and trying to keep everyone around me from Death’s Door…’

Before the impact of the cynicism had a chance to take hold I heard a whisper from behind me.

‘That is why I am here now to protect you.’

I turned to see the smiling face of Rai… and instinctively waited for the biting remark, or a blade in my spine… but despite my skepticism she remained pleasant, even in the face of Esen and Emrys’ demeanors. Emrys used biting sarcasm, while Esen remained painfully silent… As she sat next to me making polite and -pleasant conversation- With nary an insult or cruel word, I could do nothing but sit quietly as she spoke with Emrys, occasionally a question surfaced.

She maintained that my words had some impact on her and expressed wish to help ‘make the world a better place.’ While the thought that my words and actions had that much impact on her is most pleasing, and I do hope that this is the first step forward of a journey down a kinder path… No one… I mean -no one- changes over night… I suspect some sort of trickery, but for now I will give her the benefit of the doubt… I did after all offer her a second chance. Is it wrong to hope that the woman who once planted her blade in my back is capable of change? I think not, and while that hope is tentative at best right now, it is hope still.

I continue to watch over the temple and those in my care, and I continue to help where I can. I stepped out for a bit to get some fresh fruits and vegetables, some cheese and milk from the market for the day’s meals. I returned shortly thereafter only to find that someone had left a blood covered diamond on the alter. No one saw anyone come or go while I was away. I suppose it is most prudent that I have arranged for my errands to be run for me. This will give me leave to watch the temple much closer. It was with a heavy heart that I carefully cleaned the alter of all traces of blood. Carefully I retraced the holy runes over the alter and blessed it, cleansing it of any further taint. Guessing it nothing more than a normal gem I passed the bloody trinket on to Esen, once he has determined there is no lingering negativity about it, I shall sell it and use the profit for the church. Elrith… the poor dear… Wants to smash it incase it has someone’s memories in it. This business with her own mind locked in some stone somewhere has her most hopeful that the stone may yet cross her path. Her innocence is both a blessing and a curse. She experiences every aspect of her day and every sensation with the enthusiasm of a young child enjoying the wonders of the world for the first time. I hope that when her mind returns to her, she may maintain that appreciation she has found in the world around her.

As supper concluded, the temple full of those dear to me, we all sat enjoying tea. We conversed and I sat quietly. I was thankful that another day had passed relatively quietly, these days, even a mostly quiet day is a blessing. Once again my mind worked to produce some task that could occupy the empty hours while the others sleep. Inexplicably as I worked to undermine my own need for rest, the harder I thought of ways to fight sleep… the more tired I became. In a matter of moments I barely had the ability to hold up my head. I struck it off as my body protesting the many hours of work with the scant few hours of sleep I allowed myself as I rose, bidding the others goodnight. I could barely keep my eyes open as I groggily made my way through the temple. I unhooked my cloak and tossed it across the foot of the bed, kicking my boots off… I think sleep found me before I had lain my head on the pillow.

I remember dreaming… Visions of the last few weeks flitting through my mind, the pleasant, the unpleasant. Flashes of images and sounds… little more than a rapid push through my mind, images that left little more than sensation of light and feeling… Largely though there was emotion a great wash of it. A tumultuous raging sea of triumph, defeat, happiness, sadness, chaos and calm… And all at once something strange took hold. The waters of my mind went still and quiet, the color and sensation vanished if only for an instant… As though a great hand reached down and plucked me out and drew me into a comforting embrace.

All at once I stood in the middle of a glade surrounded by mist and the song of a peaceful night. I panicked as I realized that I was unable to move, and I was not alone. My fear of the figure in the fog was quickly replaced by concern as he seemed injured. I peered through the fog as he hobbled forward. On instinct borne of so many years as a healer the question bubbled up from me as I wondered if I had left the temple and not remembered… A dream perhaps? It felt so… strange… but comforting, peaceful… I felt truly safe for the first time that I could ever remember. Safe…

‘Sir are you alright?’

His voice held a warmth and a hint of amusement as he spoke.

‘Merielle my child… I was about to ask you that question.’

My eyes grew wide as the fog shifted around us slightly giving view of my elderly host. Elderly indeed, for what stood before me was the countenance of one of the oldest Gods in Faerun. Bent and battered, wholly unhindered by pain, hands bound by red cord, there stood Ilmater before me. He smiled on me then… All the warmth and peace held in those eyes was enough to draw tears to my own. For a long moment I could not speak.

‘Times have become hard for you my child, have they not?’

Still I could not speak… I could not look on his face, for what could I have done to be granted such an honor? I nodded slowly, still awestruck I stood as he spoke.

‘I have been watching over you with close eyes. Mercy guides your steps and it warms my heart…’

When finally words found my voice and my voice remembered how to leave me, they were quiet, barely above a choked whisper.

As he spoke of my burdens, and offered to ease them… to bear them, such grace I am unworthy of… I looked up in surprise as he spoke:

‘I endure as I should… I regret none of it.’

Even though I dared not look upon his face then, I felt his warm smile there, his eyes looking down over my bowed head.

‘It is why you are my Favored above all others.’

The words came forth with such finality, such declaration that it shook my core. In all my years, I have been called many things that I felt I did not deserve. Be them blessing or bane, insult or sign of respect… of all the things I felt most undeserving of in all my days, this… Here beneath the gaze of Ilmater himself… This is what I felt most undeserving of. My words came haltingly, thick with emotion and uncertain.

‘I … I deserve no such title…’

‘You give of yourself and ask nothing in return.’

He spoke of the tasks before me. Of dear Billy. How I must protect him no matter the cost. How I must not let him fall into the hands of Bhaal and his ilk. I sought his guidance then, unsure how to combat this foe I face in the name of Ilmater. He spoke of my faith and my allies, assuring me that this task before me, while difficult was not impossible.

‘This mark, it is not a finality. What is done can be undone. Keep your faith close to you my child.’

‘My faith is ever my strength.’

I bowed deeply, accepting this charge as I was bid. This task that was mine of my own choosing is now a command of my lord, and I will not fail him, no matter the cost.

‘You have always walked mercy’s path true and unwavering… for this I am grateful. Come closer and kneel my child.’

I looked to his outstretched arms in stunned silence. Feeling as though something had been struck deep within me and rang threw my entire being I trembled, so in awe was I that I could not help but ask, incredulously and my voice full of doubt.

‘You … are grateful to -me- my lord…?’

‘Of course Merielle. You are a beacon of my faith on Toril. I wish to offer you a gift, to help you in the days to come.’

Again he beckoned me closer. Somehow my wobbly legs found the strength to move, and that short span between where I stood and where my god stood beckoning seemed to span for miles. I stumbled forward knees buckling as I knelt before him and I murmured softly:

‘I am but your humble servant Ilmater…’

He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, and in that instant… there was a blinding flash. I felt the whole of my being align in harmony as strength and comforting warmth washed over me. My soul wept in joy as the fears and troubles that shrouded my heart were lifted. My oaths and vows renewed, my spirit made whole in that thunderous moment… it was… beyond understanding, beyond the scope that words could encompass.

As my eyes struggled to see beyond the blinding light, he lifted my chin. I kneeled there feeling much like a small child in the company of a giant as I looked at him. His eyes steady and piercing, his smile so full of kindness and peace, it seemed unworthy of the simple term ‘smile’.

There was a seriousness in his tone as he bid me…

‘Use this gift with good intent my child.’

‘Always.’

I managed… and as words failed me yet again, he knew the oath of my heart and he smiled on me again.

‘I will be ever watching you my child. May Mercy guide your steps Merielle.’

‘Thank you…’

I am not sure if I actually spoke, if I did it was a breathy whisper… I watched as he turned and walked into the mist and faded from my view. I knelt there the song of the night finally reaching my ears again… the air was cool and damp as I drew breath into my lungs. As I rose to stand the scene around me dissolved slowly, fading into darkness. I had the sensation of falling a great distance, very quickly… and all at once I opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling of the temple over my bed. I wondered how my heart could contain such joy as I rose from the bed feeling completely rested and renewed.

I was surprised to see the mass of startled and worried faces around me then. Indeed all those dear to me seemed greatly concerned, though I hardly knew why.

In my excitement and joy I tried to find the words to explain to them the depth of my happiness, to find the words to describe what I had dreamt. I tried and failed to explain the scope of it to them, to Brother Marcus. Indeed I think they thought me daft… that I had finally gone off the edge of sanity and spiraled into some unknown prison of the mind.

In truth I was happier than I ever remembered being. I knew now what it meant to feel joy… not a fleeting bit of happiness stolen away when the first cloud passes the sun… To laugh, not just because polite conversation called for it, but because there are no words that could describe the mirth a heartfelt laugh could contain. As they whispered among themselves fearing some foul ulterior motive, I laughed. Once my sanity was no longer in question, and we finished breakfast… I decided to take a walk and reflect.

For now, duty does call to me, and my heart bids me answer. Today Mercy also wears a bright smile… let the sun shine, or the rain fall, Mercy will prevail, I will Endure. Such is the way of things, such is my task. I draw to me those dear and hold them safe. I know that while my heart is light now, the days ahead will be a trial of strength, both in body and will… There are still many dark clouds on the horizon… but I no longer fear the coming storm.
~~

[SIXTY-FIRST ENTRY]

I sit her reflecting quietly on the information of the last few days settling into my mind. All the while plots and webs woven and intertwined in an endless succession of knots and intricate designs. Time indeed reveals all mysteries, but even looking back on past events through the light of present knowledge, I am still surprised by its interconnectivity. Friends turned enemies, deals with hells spawn, soul splitting, infernal bargains with undead, innocents who lose what is theirs to one who does not deserve it. A goddess’ scorn, a soul in limbo, and a hatred only the Drow could manifest and weave in such a way. Why am I not surprised that at the center of so much trouble, and perhaps the purpose behind the undead amassing to the north, there is a Drow… once favored by Shar?

Either way, I know more now than I did, though not really enough yet to come up with any useful plan. It seems there is a battle on two, possibly three fronts in this. On one side is Aloria, and on the other side is Elrith… I made a promise… I don’t know how I am going to keep it exactly… but one way or another I will see that my oath to help Aloria to Elrith is kept, whether Elrith can remember it or not. If it were not such a gamble I would say let this Glaive creature have at the Shadow Singer, and keep everyone well enough out of the way… let them destroy each other, or in the least one side… then take out whoever is standing… the evils are dealt with, it spares the largest number of innocents, but it is far too large of a gamble… For now it seems the whole region is ‘between a rock and a hard place’ and in need of treading carefully lest the whole precariously balanced thing caves in.

For now all any can do is gather facts… From what I can tell, no one has the completed puzzle before them… and getting so many each with a few pieces to work together is difficult at best. Hope… Hope and Faith… Patience, for time reveals all mysteries, and may yet present a solution that we cannot see because we do not see the whole picture. Even waiting is a dangerous gamble. Dangerous Gambles… a lot of that. Too much of it for my liking. So many risks. Mercy guide me, for I cannot afford a misstep.

Disturbing news of bodies of this plague disappearing has reached my ears, and I wonder what it means. Necromancy of some sort? Is this plague also tangled in so many other plots? This thing is largely a mystery, and there is so little known, and even less understood. My prayers are many, and in unison of many, yet again I find we wait… Time reveals all mysteries… but how many will fall before it is understood? Is there more that can be done in the meantime? How do you fight what is unseen and unknown? You stand knowing something lurks in the shadows… you hear it whisper and taunt, and yet you strike naught but air. Frustrating to say the least.

Much will test those in the region. I have my faith to grant me hope… my beliefs to grant me strength… but what of those who cannot endure… those who fall? I hear about how the sickness slowly drains them away… I pray they can find mercy and rest that they did not find in their final moments. Grant to them strength when they find they have none…

Still through it all, I find small blessings. The children’s smiles, Elrith’s joy as she experiences much for the first time, quiet conversations in the small hours of the morning, a good cup of tea. I have nearly finished the embroidery for Iliara… Her birthday is in a tenday shy of a month. I am glad to know I will be able to send her something nice. I also have some things for young Tristan, who I understand is now moving under his own steam. Brother Dracius and Iliara’s last letter was full of marvels and musings as the boy crawls around and wonders at the world around him. It tugs at my heart in a way I had not expected. Perhaps it is that I am advancing in my years. I know the Sisters of St Jasper had told me after all my trials I would never bear children… But I cannot help but long for such things… Someday… when there is peace, or at least enough calm I can keep a family safe.

Bah! My musings! Blast my torturous heart… There is hardly time for such thoughts Meri dear! But it’s a dream I cannot let fall to the wayside, and maybe I won’t have to… But for now, there is far too much to do. Even if I cannot bear children, there are two that I have been granted. There would be no twice-asking if I was given the chance to have a home, I would take Billy and Dianne with me. Billy is in his seventh year and Dianne in her ninth. My daydreams of little cottages and gardens seem incomplete with out them. They are so very dear… let me keep them safe, let me keep them close, and by all the mercies I would dare not ask for any other.

Also it seems in all of this, I have garnered a new acquaintance that I may yet be able to call friend. Miss Shartess, who as I understand is a good friend of Elrith’s. She is pleasant to chat with in the least. She carries herself with all the grace and confidence of a noblewoman. There is an unbridled curiosity that her practiced smile cannot hide. Indeed as we talked of my faith and beliefs, she sought to learn, to understand, it was as if her need for information was as important as breath itself. Since she had taken the time to indulge my questions on Elrith and so many other matters at hand, I had no qualms about granting her a widow into my thoughts.

I could tell there were more questions which she will ask no doubt, but while it was I who was answering the questions… she was not the only one learning. Indeed in putting my thoughts to words, my beliefs into clearer form, and looking at my self in all truth and honesty… I learned more of myself. Of course it is not anything I have not always known, but it has been made clearer. ‘Sometimes it is wise to seek one’s own counsel, to know one’s own mind and heart, so that actions make sense.’ I feel that is what came of our conversation, more so than the exchange of information. I look forward to conversing more with her in the future. I sense in her at least the practical choice of an ally, and would like to think that a friendship can be fostered.

For now I endure as I must, and act as my heart dictates. My faith is my strength, and I find it stronger now than ever it has been. That which we endure teaches us our own strength and forces us to shore up our weaknesses. In all trials I face, Ilmater I ask your guidance… I seek your wisdom, and want only to do as mercy would have me, let my steps fall true. May I never step without your hand at my back. Let me not waver… Let Mercy prevail.
~~

[SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]

I will endure. I shall not waver. There is Ever hope. While I know I can stand through this, never have I found my convictions so tested. Ilmater be with me now, for without such I fear I could not stand. I keep my friends close now. I, the one used to comforting used to caring, find my self in need of that which I so freely give without thought. Unused to it as I am, even I know better than to turn away from my own counsels when they return to me.

Perhaps my heart was lifted so that I may face this now…

Sleep has become a double edged sword whose blade is sharper than normal. I will admit, I avoid sleep most nights, stealing only a couple hours for myself at any one time. Of late, I have found that it has caught up with me, leaving my body wracked with weakness and I can do naught to right it but sleep. And still I dread it… That dark space of my mind where even I, must struggle to find light. My dreams have grown darker than I thought possible.

I wake drenched in sweat and gripped by fears I cannot explain, barely remembering that which haunted my sleep. I rested fretfully most of the day passed, and through the night. Though I might have wished to wake sooner, my body would scarce allow it. Miss Shartess kept vigil through the night. I remember her there as I fell asleep, and she sat near by when I opened my eyes when sleep finally let go of me.

I woke feeling less ill because of lack of sleep, and then my emotions caught me. It comes in torrents of worry for Billy to Anger. Anger at the Bhaalists, anger with my own inadequacy, to fear. Fear that every second works against me. Fraught with anguish my heart offers an endless stream of prayer for Billy to be safely home here.

I am hardly a stranger to pains and heart breaks. One learns to deal with them after much practice. This ache that keeps me company now is very much different than anything I have ever experienced. My heart aches. This boy, barely seven seasons old, that has been in my care for so many months now, has become so dear to my heart. Many I have passed in my search for him have expressed sympathies at the ‘loss of my son.’ The boy’s words come to mind and I can only weep in desperate prayer.

‘I would like to think that this is what it feels like to have a mother…’

My feet hurt as I have walked up and down the roads in and out of the gates handing out sketches of Billy. I have not been back to the temple since I left it this morning. My hands are stiff and cramped from writing so quickly and working on such studious sketches. After so many though… it has hardly become a conscious effort.

As one piece of parchment passes from my hands to those of another, I ready another. Esen has sent Seijin Southward, though I hope the creature has sense enough to use caution… he seems a wise creature, but I cannot help but worry. Perhaps it is some sort of motherly instinct that pulls at me now? I do love Dianne and Billy with more of my heart and spirit than I have allowed. Unwise perhaps given that these are such dangerous circumstances. Even knowing I should not let my emotions over rule my logic and sense, I cannot sway my heart.

The words of his letter haunt me. I could -never- be angry with him. Never would I turn him away. Even now my anger is directed solely at the Bhaalists, for I know in my heart had it not been for their treacherous whisperings… Words of vipers and shadows… meant to draw him from the light to the darkness. Ilmater forgive me.

I cannot say I could stand so impartial, and offer mercy to snakes such as these. Pray do not ask it of me, for in my heart I know I want nothing more than to tear down the Bhaal temple, brick for brick and offer swift death to any who would utter the name of the Lord of Murder. I know the wrongness of these thoughts, and I pray for the strength to endure, to maintain, to walk mercy’s path unwavering. I will not strike first. I have given my oath.

Oaths… I knelt at the feet of my God and swore no matter the cost, to protect him. How can I have let him slip away quietly in the night? Forgive me. I maintain hope that I have not failed yet… there is still hope. Never have I had to peer into the darkness so closely to find that glimmer, that candle’s flicker in the shadow.

Tell him in my stead Ilmater… tell him I could never be angry with him. I only wish him home. I wish him safe… I will walk all the lands… risk death itself, walk in undeath, risk damnation, just to draw him back… safe. I will not fail my oath… I care not the cost to myself. I -will- get him back! Mercy -will- Prevail. And until then, I will not rest, I cannot know peace. They will not have him. Dare I put my thought to words? He is -mine- I love him as my own… He is Mercy’s child and I will not let him go. My dear precious child… Let you return safely, to your family… to us… to me dear sweet child. Mercy keep you safe in my stead, forgive my failure to you darling… I will not fail you again… I will not waver. Some how… I will Endure, and set right the wrongs. Such is the nature of things, such is my nature.

Bhaal?! Do you hear me?! You drew a line in the sand and dared me cross! I will not back down! You will not have him! The Ilmatari will not surrender to your veiled threats and cowardly acts! I stand before you and all you have, and I will not stop until your taint is no longer of this region. I am no fool. I do not act alone. I act in my faith, -ever- my strength. I carry Mercy’s torch. My dear friends at my side, my allies many… My God’s allies many. You knew not the stubbornness in your foe when you chose this battle. You think to frighten me away? To wear me Down? I have seen the depth and breadth of all that is suffering. I will Endure! Mercy will Prevail! You think to tear down my convictions, and strip away my hopes, and all you have done is strengthened my resolves.

I could fill the pages with pleading prayers to Ilmater and threats to Bhaal… Musings of my heart, but my meal is finished. I have much to do.

Mercy guide me true, grant me your strength that I may do as I am bid by my lord. Mercy guide those dear to me, for my battle has become theirs. Keep them safe, grant them your strength. This that we face, my dear friends and I... will be trying. Let Mercy be their beacon, let hope be their light. May we stand that we do not fail.
~~

[SIXTY-THIRD ENTRY]

Time does not matter, save that it works against us. Still today my hope is renewed, and I stand looking out over the ocean near Candlekeep. He was here! Not more than the span of a day’s cycle, there he sat at that little camp south of the gates… The Candlekeep Guard could have looked down and seen him there as his tiny hand held a stick to the dirt and drew the symbol of Ilmater, munching on bread taken from the kitchen as we slept.

I had returned to the temple to get some food, though I scarce felt like eating… my stomach rarely settles long enough to agree to food any more. Still I know I cannot be without at least one meal a day. As I came through the door, Sister Addy handed me a ready pot of tea… I had gone and changed, my sore feet protesting as I put my boots back on. I turned, the bed almost inviting. A false sense of security no doubt, for surely as I lay there to rest, I would find naught but shadow and nightmare-scapes. Sighing I gathered a pile of blank parchment from my desk, taking a full vial of ink, gathering a few supplies. I had not sat there long. The weight in my heart slowing my hand. I drew that face so often now it was as easy as breathing. No longer did tears burn my eyes as I worked… indeed I hadn’t tears enough to weep as my heart did. I worry over him so. I am reminded of all those misfortunate stories I hear of children left to fend for themselves… Albeit not all of them end badly.

Perhaps the most troubling thing that haunts my heart is the sight of so many young children in the cells of the Athkatla Slavers warehouse… some so young they could hardly speak. To know what this world is capable of doing to ones so young and so small, to know that Billy’s innocence further is threatened by the mark on his soul… Just knowing that I cannot keep him safe from fates beyond his control because I cannot watch over him! It drives me near madness. I do not carry this alone… to know so many eyes and ears seek his well being… It offers me so much comfort, and I know not how to express my deepest thanks to those so willing, for whatever reason, to help.

In came a hin… the odd one with the boorish mannerisms. Still I know not his name… That one unnerves me, but I am not so foolish as to refuse help where it is offered. Came in and indeed he had seen Billy. Of course I could not reach the spot quick enough. My heart raced with a pace that made my feet envious. I don’t know what I expected… I am no tracker… I could not have possibly been able to discover his direction or speed… but to know he stood there… Even that was more hope than I had before. The meager flicker of hope in my heart was in dire need of something, anything to keep it from dying. We made our way south. I could not help but grow anxious as we neared the Bhaal temple. I paused to catch my breath and my nerves must have been far more evident than I realized, for I found Emrys’ hand on my shoulder.

‘Don’t worry about that place now Merielle.’

I wanted to scream: THAT place! That place is the cause of this mess… Instead I found my feet moving southward. As the shadow of that awful place fell over my steps, my pace quickened and my prayers came forth in quick succession. As we came onto the Lion’s Way, nearly to Candlekeep, there were two Fist Mercenaries and a wagon. The Wagoner had been badly beaten to death, the contents of his wagon in the hands of Gods knew who. I tried to draw him from death, perhaps to let him shed some light on his attackers, but his soul desired rest. I blessed the body that necromancy and other foul evils could not touch it. I wished there was more I could do, but even in my desire to help, my thoughts centered on Billy… Bandits? And what other dangers lurked on these roads?

He was out there somewhere, in the dark, alone. There was little else I could do save waste precious time. I worried constantly that my presence out in the open was a danger to many… but thus far my travels have been safe. I did not wish to tempt the Gods though. I desired to make my destination as quickly as I could. I offered blessings to the Fist-men for indeed their job was hardly a safe one. Two against whatever lurked in the darkness was hardly good odds… Nor was one… one seven year old child… Onward toward Candlekeep as fast as I dared run without injury.

The camp site was empty… it showed signs of use. I looked around for what I did not know, but my eyes searched for some sign that he had been this way, that it was not some weapon of ill intent, for I could not say there was truly good intent behind the messenger… Truly I feared a trap, and was surprised at the lack of danger… of any kind. My eyes danced over footsteps and various tracks in the dirt around the fire… Bread crumbs. All this way with so many prayers for naught but bread crumbs? Then my eyes fell upon something that was not foot prints or other mundane signs of those who travel the lands. There, in the dirt, drawn by an all too familiar hand, was the symbol of Ilmater.

I know not how long I stood there, or how I even remained standing. In that moment I felt that flicker of hope burn brightly and catch… threatening to consume me. I felt in that same moment a flood of emotions too numerous to name. He had been there! Right there! So close, and yet so out of reach… He had stayed hidden from so many eyes… and yet there he sat drawing idly in the dirt as he rested. I wonder what thoughts were with him. My heart warms to know that Ilmater was in his heart. He was protected thus far. He had made it past the Bhaal temple and hopefully escaped their notice altogether.

There was so much hope there in that child’s drawing… That was enough to carry me forth to the gates of Candlekeep intent on visiting Abby and trying to rest. I made it to the inn, realizing that I was actually a little hungry. Indeed I hadn’t eaten before I left the temple… I had left a full pot of tea and a nearly untouched cup. I ate, and as I did I penned a message to the temple in Baldur’s Gate, to ease the worry and hearts of those so dear to me, and to help direct their searching eyes. I tried to rest, and could not… I found myself walking after I handed the message off to a messenger bound to Baldur’s Gate with a handful of coins… Here I sit, the sea singing a gentle song… and in my heart more hope than I have felt since I saw Billy’s note there on the bed.

There is ever hope. We will find him, and we will keep him safe. We will face these storms together, those dear to me, Billy, Dianne, the Ilmatari, Ilmater himself, we will stand, we will endure, we will not waver. Mercy will prevail. Mercy -will- prevail. Tonight I think I can rest a little, my convictions strengthened. In the morning I will make my way toward Beregost and points as far south as I dare travel.
~~

[SIXTY-FOURTH ENTRY]

My search does go as well as I had wanted it to. There has been no sight of him still. Not since the other day. He has not made it further south than Beregost I am sure. The roads are so dangerous, it’s a wonder how he made within sight of Candlekeep. He is smart enough to know not to travel too far south though. We, and quite the group indeed, made our way to the ravaged remnants of Nashkell. There was no sign of him having come that far. We checked any place that might have been a hiding place for one so small. I found my eyes also scanning the dirt, the dust layers in ruins for any bit of writing that might have pointed to him being there.

My own patience wearing thin, and my heart heavy… I found myself angered at myself. How can I walk so long and still know nothing? Unfortunately I am also very tired. I found myself snapping at the others. Ilmater forgive me… I owe Colt an apology… I even snapped at him. Sleeping just enough to keep myself well enough for work and praying that mercy can take hold in my dreams has hardly been enough. Most of the time I wake desperately afraid of some unnamed thing, covered in a cold sweat and so inexplicably afraid. What does my mind see that horrifies my heart so? Perhaps the mercy is in not remembering the cause of such wild fear. Either way, I find it nearly impossible to return to sleep.

Dianne is still greatly worried for Billy. I see the disappointment in her eyes each time I walk in the door without Billy in tow. She is a brave girl. I am proud of her stout resolve, though I wish her young heart could enjoy her innocent child’s play. One so young should not have so many burdens on her heart. I see in her, much in myself. Her stoicism, her love for cooking, her want for help.

I see the wonder and adoration in her eyes and I wonder if she knows just how much I admire her? I hug her tightly each time I return to the temple… and of late I have granted her small gifts. Extra dessert, a couple extra coins every now and then. It brightens her spirit, if only a little, for a short while, it is still something. She has taken a liking to embroidery, and is very good at it. I dare say she should give me lessons some time.

Mercy continues to draw those of the faithful to us. I met an interesting woman, with stark white hair. She has been traveling of late, but Ilmater guided her steps back to us here in Baldur’s Gate. We exchanged stories. She knew Sister Abby also, and was here when there was trouble with Banites. She was eager to help in whatever capacity she could, and in her we have yet another valuable ally. I think that is why Ilmater bids me patience and to wait. So that we may gather our allies.

Indeed this temple is blessed with a great number of allies. I find myself surrounded by good friends to kind folk wanting to help. For all my years alone, I find the number of friends a greater comfort than any I have ever known. It is reassuring to know if ever I could not stand, there would be those willing and able to stand in my stead.

I work to strengthen myself in mind, body and spirit, for I know that the greatest tests of my resolve and faith are yet to come. I do not wish to fail my god, my friends, all those so dear and precious to me, but if I am not ready I will falter when it matters the most, and there is too much at stake for that. They too will be tested in time, and my constant prayer is that they are prepared. There will come a day to stand toe to toe with our enemy. It will be a battle of wills and words as much as sword and fist. More than lives are on the line, souls, and the well being of many.

We must be ready, we must not waver. When the time comes we must stand together, unflinching and endure side by side. We shall endure, we shall not waver and we will prevail. Mercy will Prevail. In that there is no question, no negotiation, no other answer but this. Time will reveal many things, and in time it shall reveal the very depth and contents of our souls. The Gods test us friends… Pray we are ready…
~~

[SIXTY-FIFTH ENTRY]

I sat at the end of the couch watching Billy sleep long after the others had gone to find rest. Thoughts danced wildly through my mind. He was safe. He was safe and there was still time. Ever there is hope! There are many questions in my mind, most of which time holds the answers to. The others plan and scheme and try to come up with a way to keep Billy safe, sate his appetite for ‘heroic adventure’ and thwart the plans of the Bhaalists. I was elated to see him unharmed. It left so many questions though, the entire turn of events. Did they know where Billy was the whole time? Waiting and watching to play their hand? We were attacked as soon as we tried to make our way north. I feared that we wouldn’t even make it to Candlekeep.

The words of Ilmater ran through my mind:

‘You must protect him no matter the cost.’

It was those words that spurned me onward as my heart broke. To leave the battle behind… Urging the others to run and praying they would follow I gathered up Billy holding him close. I could hear the battle behind. The throes of metal to metal, the yell of curses and prayers and incantations, the burst of spell-borne energy lighting my path as the sun set. The most painful sound was the sound of my own heart. I was once again fleeing battle with a most precious cargo, leaving the others to fight or die in my stead. I had not right to ask this of any of them. I do not think they could understand my gratitude… I do not think I could express it. I know full well they could have left my side long ago… And they stay.

Knowing what we face, they remain. For my sake, for Billy’s sake, for the sake of Mercy and all it holds, for reasons known only to themselves, they remain. It is humbling. On the same hand I feel a thief. Who am I to be granted such loyalty, such friendship? The battle pursued us right to the gates of Candlekeep. I looked on as Elrith and I thought to shield Billy. Finally the din outside the gate quieted and Rai announced that our foe had fallen or fled. Either way we were safe for the moment.

Rai… She is a wonder in my mind. This woman, once cruel and deadly to me. Indeed since that day I shared tea with her, she seems changed. I wonder at her motives… I worry at them. For not once of late have -I- heard her speak with the ill-intended whispers. Gone too are the deadly promises. She has willingly helped… in her own way. Her tongue is still sharp, as is no doubt her blade. I sense something lurking beneath the veneer of kindness she wears, but I know not what. Val recounted some disturbing dialogue surrounding Billy’s return to us. Words that I would not doubt her speaking, which only adds to the suspicion in my mind. I do hope she has begun a change for the better, but I am not so foolish as to extend complete trust to her.

‘Do you trust this one?’

Val had asked and I had nodded a tentative yes. I am giving her a second chance but for now that is as far as my trust extends.

I have done my best to shield Billy from the unpleasantness surrounding us. Ilmater had spoken of Billy and I both having a choice to make. How could he make that choice without seeing all things for what they were. The mark has changed in the absence of proper guidance. As much as I do not wish to… to see realization dawn on his small face, to explain to him the full weight of what he bears. Ilmater please… I ask most humbly… give him strength to endure, give me the strength to explain the truth to him. When the time for choosing comes, pray he chooses mercy over murder.

There was something in his eyes that disturbs me. An imperceptible flash of malice… like fire within his dark eyes. Bhaal may have a foot hold, but one way or another… I will see that Billy is once again safely in the arms of Mercy. I am grateful to the many friends I have, for indeed they lend me strength they are unaware of. Together we can see this through. The important thing for now is that Billy is safe. Thank you, Mercy, for guiding my steps back to that campsite near the Keep over and over… For if I had not returned there… he may have remained lost to me. The sight of his peacefully sleeping countenance is such a boon to my spirit. My fragile hopes burn brightly again, no longer am I shadowed by so much doubt… There are still doubts, of myself, but at least now there is light enough to see such doubts easier.

Elrith’s mind is fragile, and easily overwhelmed. I have noticed in the past that conversations can befuddle her as she tries desperately to piece together things she feels she should know. I am not sure how best to help her but I fear if we do not get some answers soon and get a course of action set in motion… I cannot say from a healer’s standpoint that this is in the least healthy for her. I am starting to wonder what happened to the other victims. I fear this is nothing but a slow descent into madness if we do not return her memories to her soon. We helped her to the garden so she might seek rest.

I don’t know if it is a side effect or a defensive mechanism of her own mind, but she passed out and could not recall nearly an hour or more of conversation. Seemed as if her mind went back to the point immediately before she became confused. I shall take more care to not let my conversations not drag her into a chase of thoughts that are hard to grasp.

As I ready to finally sleep my thoughts are drawn to one final thing illustrated in a conversation among two friends. Two friends that in a different set of circumstances would not even be aware of one another… or would be enemies on opposite sides of something else. And yet here they stood in dawn’s gentle light each trying to lighten the other’s mood. The banter was light hearted but within it was a lesson. The teacher does learn from the student just as much as the student does from the teacher, though the lessons parallel one another, each takes from it what they must.

‘A closed fist allows for no simple mercies. Joy, simple happiness, or peace are pushed aside by the clenched fist. Opened hands gather that which is sweet and precious to behold that we may drink from the simple cool waters of hope and mercy.’

An old lesson… one of the first I learned in Trademeet. I stood there angrily hating the past, myself and so many things that I shook with rage. Then Iliara took my clenched fists and opened them, holding them to the sky and cupping them together. She smiled at my confused expression and let go of my hands saying only one thing before walking away:

‘It works better this way…’

And so the student has become the teacher… what lessons will she learn now? Time will reveal that when it sees fit to. Mercy is many things. Mercy today is patience… Always there is mercy in some measure, great or small in every part of life. Just as mercy, there is hope. In the end we need only seek them. There is Ever hope, mercy Always prevails and we Endure.
~~

[SIXTY-SIXTH ENTRY]

I have taken a break from the stack of books at my feet. Nearly a dozen tomes not one small in size or content. The one I read of first talked of the many Hellish denizens. There was some general information on demons. I see one rather large tome which seems to focus on demonic rituals… perhaps there is a good place to start next. I wish I knew better what I was looking for. Blast it all! The monks delivered the first batch at Joan’s request. Told me when I had finished with these they would have a few more ready. Less than a tenday to learn what we can and find this demon. A demon! Of all the things we don’t need… more trouble. Seems the whole day has been one mishap to the next. My hopes seem to dangle from a dangerously thin thread, weighted more so by the doubts in my own heart.

Ilmater forgive this clumsy bloody fool. Blind I was, to that which lurked in the darkened corners. I have tried desperately to quell this unease in my own heart, to still the anger that has taken foothold unbidden. I look now over Billy… He sleeps so soundly… so deeply that it frightens me. What haunts his sleep so that he whimpers in such fear and anguish? I reach out to offer comfort to his small frame. His body wracked by unnatural fever. In the night passed I feared it this plague that has killed so many. Finally sleep found him, and his fever had seemed to quiet. I made my way down to the common room of the inn.

The last few days had seemed to do him much good. He had seemed to quiet, the malignant flash in his eyes had become absence. As we talked of peace, and of mercy, going over various lessons. I stressed that not all ‘heroes’ were born of blood and glory. I taught him of the Martyrs and Saints, I had begun to think that we were passed the worst of it… I had even planned to explain everything in the whole, all of it, to Billy after he woke and we had eaten breakfast.

A scream from upstairs chilled my cheerful thoughts, and I rose going to the stairs. The inn keep’s wife came down in a panic, sheet white and scared near to death.

‘it’s a Demon!’

She screamed and flew to her husband’s side, who looked on most worried. I was ready to rush up the stairs. The Bhaalists had after all, shown that they could summon frightful demons… I heard the others calling to me to wait… There was no time for me to reach the top step or for the others to try to stop me for Billy had stepped onto the landing a step or two above me.

‘Sister Merielle… I don’t feel so good…’

I wonder if time stopped in that moment? I know my heart had. I looked at this creature, bearing resemblance to Billy, holding his voice and my mind could not grasp what was going on. There he stood, a fever to rival the hells, skin blackened and scaled almost as if it had burnt… His eyes flashed red and a tail… A tail? How in the mercies is that possible? What was happening? My mind raced with prayers as I watched petrified as he vomited blood. Dearest Mercies! It was no plague… no… were that it could only be so simple as illness. The mark on his back had changed… still incomplete but dangerously close to being so. My mind screamed in disbelief as he recounted ’saving’ the ’see through’ man in black from a ’bandit’ and how he had ’done just as the small man had taught him’ and slit the knave’s throat. This was the first I had heard of this… Billy thought himself a hero of grand proportions.

How could I have not known? The small man? That bloody Halfling that I now know was indeed more than just an unsettling presence. The others talked of ripping him to shreds for what he had done. Of course the Bhaalists knew where he was. The Halfling who I can only guess is one of them or in league with them took me to where Billy had been. They had known where he was all along… granting me that small hope, seeing the Ilmatari symbol in Billy’s hand writing was nothing more than a means to torment me further… and now this. Dear Gods I have never known such anguish… The worst punishments of the Matron’s most skilled torturers paled in comparison. They spoke of killing the Halfling, and it was all I could do not to say:

‘Only if you beat me to him!’

For indeed in that moment my anger nearly consumed me… Images of violence I had not thought myself capable of conjuring played out in my mind’s eye in those briefest moments. I pictured destroying them all, of tearing down that temple brick for brick and calling down all the fury I could muster in a blaze of holy fire to consume the rubble left in my wake. To beat the Halfling cultists until that mocking smile was no more, to chase every one of them to the hells just to see them destroyed even in death. Ilmater forgive my wrath, I even wanted to face Bhaal… even if it killed me… to land even one blow… And now all I can do is beg forgiveness…

Forgive me for my failings… for not telling him the truth from the beginning. For thinking I could spare him some torment by hiding the dark nature of what plagued him. Ilmater forgive my foolish, misguided attempt at mercy… I may well have cost the boy everything… His very soul is in balance, and the fate of many rests on Billy’s fate. The mark is not final… there is still hope yes?

There is ever hope! There may yet be hope…

Divine intervention … or Mercy grant me strength… Death… can undo this.

‘…My most Favored…’

Ilmater… How can you favor one who has failed you so wholly? The boy has killed. Apparently the night before we found him. Now all that stands between hope and damnation is faith… and I question if mine is strong enough.

‘Whatever the cost…’

What cost? I would give of my very soul to save him… I love him as any mother would love a child, but I am not his mother… I am his guardian… His wellbeing was mine to hold… William forgive me, for I have failed you. Now I only pray this can yet be salvaged.

I tried prayers to make him feel better, for my herbal treatments and healing knowledge seemed to fail me. But that proved disastrous… It seemed to trigger some sort of innate defense… and summon forth demons to attack us. All the while poor Billy watched in fear, apologizing. He truly did not wish us harm, even more so, he did not wish to remain as he was. The excursions seemed to have exhausted him, and he curled up to sleep on the couch next to me, there in the inn. Was it that they could see Billy was not truly evil, not wholly lost to us that stayed the other’s hand? Or was it for my sake they did not seek to kill him? Divine intervention or death… It echoed through me every time I saw the looks in their eyes, and I feared they would seek the last resort option… For whatever reasons, they were content to help me try to find a way to solve this, and salvage Billy’s fate.

I fear though, that the faith they have in me is badly misplaced. It was then that Billy began speaking in a language I had not heard before. Only two in the room understood it, Emrys and the elf. The demon demanded we take Billy to the Bhaal temple so that he may be given to ‘His Lord.’ If we did not, he promised to kill Billy. As if the boy’s troubles were not numerous, and dire enough, now possession. Indeed likely no pittance demon either.

‘I cannot ask you to leave Merielle, just stay with him…’

Joan spoke as she looked over us both. Her words from earlier danced down my spine as I prayed desperately it would not come to that. I wholly understood her stand point:

‘If he becomes violent I will have no choice…’

I nodded even as desperate prayers ran through my mind… Mercy please… let it not come to that… The situation is dire… but not hopeless. Somehow mercy will prevail… it always does, it always has. I just wish I knew where to place my feet. My doubt cloud what is usually clear to me, and try as I might, I cannot dispel them wholly.

There was talk of trying to exorcize the demon. As I spoke of seeking wise priests, Brother Marcus, perhaps Brother Dracius… Brother Marcus was needed in Baldur’s Gate, and I feared Brother Dracius could not make the journey quickly enough. It was then that I noticed their eyes on me… and as he spoke, I felt so humbled I could not speak. He looked me so squarely in the eye as his words reached my ears, that I felt as though he was not across the room… but there, a breath’s distance from myself. Somehow his measured words reached my ears and my mind over my uproarious thoughts:

‘There is no shortage of priestly wisdom and might in this room.’

I countered. I knew so little of demons, I had only assisted on a few exorcisms… the last and most recent of which cost an innocent child his life and maybe even his soul… and it very well could have been much worse.

‘I know so little… one misstep could be deadly… not just to us… but to all of the keep or worse.’

‘Then -do not- misstep.’

His conviction in that simple statement astounded me. Who was I to garner such faith and inspiration of others? How could they feel me deserving of such. Look at what I had allowed to happen to Billy! There wasn’t time for me to be angry with myself for my folly… if the demon was to be believed, we had so very little time.

However… the trouble does not end there. There was a fight between the dark skinned elf, now without a doubt known to be a Drow. And the rather unhappy Elf… which soon drew Joan to act, though I am sure her actions will be questioned for a great long while. Joan asked the two to take the disagreement out of the inn… away from Billy because she feared, and rightly so I think, that exposing Billy to violence in his current state may only worsen the problem. The dark skinned elf seemed all too used to being called out and threatened. Something I suppose one such as he becomes used to. Even now my mind has trouble grasping the thought of a Drow who wishes to help any but himself.

Whatever his reasons and his methods, he does wish to help against the Bhaalists. Indeed the others trust him, and he has given me no reason not to… still, it is moment like the stand off that took place at the doorway of the inn that bid all caution. The badly scarred elf drew out his bow and notched an arrow as the other moved toward the door to leave the inn. He demanded the smaller elf remove his hood as anger shook his battered frame. He demanded Joan demand he remove his hood… Joan calmly demanded they both go outside to settle their dispute. Angrily he put aside his bow and proceeded to yank down Nymas’ hood. He drew a knife and lunged at the dark skinned elf. I rose from the couch as swiftly as I could without waking Billy, simultaneously reaching for my supply of bandages. I knew not who would draw whose blood, and there was little time to weigh options for in the time it took me to cross the room, the battered elf lay unconscious and badly bleeding.

I watched shocked as the Drow bent over the other trying desperately to mend the wounds of the one who wished him dead.

‘No! If this one dies…’

There is no greater mercy on the battle field than the mercy one extends to one’s enemy… There is no greater path to peace than the path through mercy. I stepped forward as Elrith screamed for me to help him. Gently I moved the shaking black hands aside and began tending the worst of the wounds. As he regained consciousness his anger was more than evident as he spat at Joan for ‘defending a Drow!’ Joan maintained that she sought only to keep the bloodshed to a minimum, that she had asked him to take his fight outside and away from Billy, and he had not complied thus forcing her to act as such. I wondered what the ill-tempered one would think if he had known it was the very Drow he had intended to kill had rushed without hesitation to draw him back from death.

Wythran insisted Joan was in the wrong regardless of her motivations… and I knew not where Nymas was, but he no doubt took time to distance himself from the place. The wounded elf tried to brush my efforts off.

‘I need to feel the pain… to see the scars… To remember.’

‘None know better the value of remembering greater than I sir… but you cannot remember if you are dead so hold still.’

He conceded to my stubbornness unwillingly and I worked to tend the worst of the wounds. Perhaps I should have been more concerned with the laws regarding Drow… Perhaps a lot of things should have been done differently… perhaps he will hold against me my words as I finished his stitches… But I care not. I did not care for the deep-seeded hatred of Drow. I did not care if this elf or any other held against me that he was here. Joan assured me that I was at fault for none of it, and the burden of blame lay wholly with her, after all it was she who was in charge. I did not even care of the eventual ramifications of the day. I had far greater worries.

I looked back over to Billy. I wanted to cry… to scream. On this young boy’s shoulders lay the weight of the fate of so many. Not just us, not just of the region, not just of Faerun… but possibly all of Toril. If Bhaal is allowed to use Billy… to finalize the ritual, to manifest in Billy as the physical avatar of the Lord of Murder… Not only would Billy be lost… not only would my failings be laid bare… but there would be nothing but death. Cold, cruel endless death and destruction for no other reason than they could do so. Indeed we have greater problems than the Drow…

We sat and we planned and schemed, trying to come up with some plan of action. My prayers for guidance continued to go unanswered. I fear that I have turned my god away from me. Rightly so. I failed in keeping Billy from killing… I failed in my oath to prevent it no matter the cost. I can only beg forgiveness knowing I have earned his wrath, and in the mean time cling to my hopes and my faith seeking some resolution in the best interests of all.

As the evening wore thin, so did my nerves. I felt my emotions at war… my mind at war with my heart, my heart at war with my faith, my soul in a war I did not understand, and it was wearing on me. When my mind was idle I found my heart weeping as prayers begging forgiveness rolled through my being. My own doubts and anger at myself draining my resolve, my strength. I put on a brave face for Billy’s sake when he woke. I fought to maintain hold of my composure for the sake of the others. Dawn came swiftly… its light almost cruel on my tired eyes. I do not think I have done more than nap since I stood at Ilmater’s feet. I had not eaten since our early dinner the day before Billy became ill with fever.

A sigh escaped me then… and as it did, my remaining strength fled me. I slumped into a chair my head resting on my hands and felt a shudder work through me. Forgive my failings… forgive my weakness… forgive my anger… Forgive this humble servant Ilmater, grant to me your mercy… your strength please my Lord I fear I cannot stand… I fear I haven’t the strength to do as you ask of me. The thoughts tumbled through me, rattled around by the shudder that had manifested of my own deep inner conflicts, and as I struggled to grasp hope so fleeting I feared it would fall through my fingers… How I feared that desolation… I worked desperately to keep my faith in perspective and draw strength from it…

I became aware of a comforting hand that gently stroked my hair. A small gesture of kindness that caught me off guard and stilled me to my core. Much to my surprise the face I turned to look to was that of the battered elf Wythran. Words fled me as I looked to this one who needed mercy far greater than I and yet he offered it to me instead. I was drawn to the depths of humility once again. He caught my gaze and moved away his expression a mix of emotions… he became transfixed on a stray hair that had come away as he removed his hand from my head. He nodded absently to Nymas as he approached. Nymas looked on in shock as he greeted him without malice. He looked at me and then back to Wythran.

‘What did you say to him?’

I shook my head, for I was wholly confused by what had just taken place, and I knew not what to think as I watched this tattered elf stare into his hand. I swear I saw him crying, and my heart wept for him. I knew not what trials he faced, but I prayed mercy find him, and Ilmater grant him strength.

‘Can you help him? There isn’t much mercy left in him.’

I looked to Nymas and back to Wythran.

‘I don’t know, but I will sure try…’

The rest of the evening was a blur lost behind a haze of my own rattled emotions. The green-clad wizard proposed a plan, rather intricate, to try to trick the demon with magic, and force it to leave Billy. I cannot help but fear that arcane magic would have the same or worse, effect than divine magics… further still… if it fails, and the demon is angered or worse… I cringe at the thought. Can a demon such as this be tricked? Too many questions with too few answers… I suppose I should get back to the books… for now things are quiet, Billy sleeps, and the chaos of the day has passed into uneasy silence. I should get through these books quickly too… Time reveals all mysteries, but for now it seems to work against us.

Mercy guide me… Mercy prevail… lead me back to the narrow path I must walk unwaveringly. Let me learn to grant myself the mercy of forgiveness if it is mine to find… Let me salvage that which my folly has nearly lost…I beg Ilmater, please do not turn away from this humble servant, though she may deserve such… spare me your wrath and grant me your mercy…
~~

[SIXTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

The hours pass in tedious procession, and while my knowledge on the topic of demons is indeed much greater than it was before. I grow frustrated because I have yet to find anything that might be pertinent to the situation at hand. I have widened my search to include anything on Bhaal and to also include any rituals that were connected in some way or another to the Hells. It is tiresome work, but a welcome distraction from sleep and the nightmares that assault me from behind my closed eyes.

Billy hardly wakes… Water turns to poison at his touch, any more effort than kind words fail miserably or incite malignant recourse that he neither asks for or can control. He does not eat, and still he fevers. I pray that whatever sustains him is Mercy-bound and not something more sinister. I watch as he seems to withdraw and wither before my eyes. Each time I find some faintly burning ember of hope, I must shield it from the onslaught of doubt and despair that now tumbles through my own thoughts. My prayers counter the worst of my doubts, but the fact that for the first time in years, those prayers seem unanswered, only adds to my disquiet. Have I fallen so far from the graces of my patron lord? Or do my doubts drown out his gentle voice?

The quiet of this place is maddening… gone is the solitary peace I found in the peace. Now I dread the silence as it gives my thoughts purchase. I plunge myself deep into the books the acolytes bring… turning each page with slow determination. Unwilling to let go of that last trace of hope, that somewhere within these books some sort of answer will present itself. There is still hope, there is still time… I must not let myself forget that.

My rambling musings are punctuated by the trickle of books, the inn keep insisting I at least try to eat. Thanks to Rai at least I am in no danger of running out of tea. There have also been several messengers today, regarding the business that lead to a great deal of unpleasantness. I pray Mercy finds all involved… That Joan does not lose her place here is gladdening to my heart. Now what shall become of things in the future… In the meantime I have set aside enough tea for two… should the future present such an opportunity. I also hope that the opportunity to try and help the Night Hunter… though what it is I must do… Help him find mercy that he denies himself? Help him look past his anger? To hone his hatred into a greater weapon…?

‘To try to help him overcome his anger?’ I had asked…

‘Not overcome… control…’ Had come the answer…

Perhaps transform it to something grand… something without malice… to replace fanatical hatred with unwavering devotion to one’s cause… That is a goal I can aspire to in time… In time.

In a moment when time does not turn so readily against us…

I have not felt so lost in a very long time… I had forgotten what it felt like to stumble forth unsure of one’s footing… And in spite of my recent failings… the others view me no differently. Indeed they have lent me strength when I find myself weak. Time and time again of late, I hear my own words return to me in the kind voices of friends. All things in time, Mercy does prevail… and I… I have a great deal of work to do. By the mercies… I will not lose Billy in this. I will see things set right one way or another. In the mean while my prayers remain constant and hopeful. If there is redemption to be earned, then I will, but for now I must find a way to help Billy.
~~

[SIXTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

Life should not be measured from one disaster to the next… it should be measured in the number of blessings one has, or at least the number of times one loses count of those blessings because they are too numerous. Seems I may do both, often simultaneously. Careful tight control of dangerous emotions is not always enough to keep one’s thoughts well hidden behind carefully chosen words.

My dreams and my spirit in turmoil, I find a way to continue on. I endure… such is the nature of things… such is my place. My steps are far more careful these days… caution dances with doubt as I fear every misstep. Indeed, there seems many of late. These dear and true to me, devoted to my cause, to my convictions… dare I say to me? And what have I done to earn such? What do they see that rallies them to the cries for mercy I seek? I would like to think they see mercy itself. Mercy… Mercy which I act in ever and unwavering… Caused a debacle today with Emrys’ demon, which now seems my burden for the time being. For it was mercy that kept me from speaking of my suspicions since the demon was cast away. I chose to endure the burden in silence. Well now the demon seeks to further his torment of Emrys, and somehow I will not allow this.

Though if this demon servant thinks to remain my burden, he will be disappointed. When my will is weakened, my allies are strong, my friends more dear and more numerous than I dare count… stand in my stead… lend me their strength freely… and in the end… It is naught but desperate parlor tricks. This demon will not remain, nor will he be allowed to torment much longer. For now my resources are divided, but with all this research on demons and the Hells… I will find a way to usurp this serpent from his imagined throne… and he will harm no other. On one hand I am relieved that it has nothing to do with other troubles, and on the other hand this does leave me fighting on two fronts… for now. I do not stand alone…

The worth of those surrounding me… an admirable thing to behold. Most of the events are a blur to me, but at one point it was believed Billy in danger. Rai… Mercy bless her most of all, sought to take him to safety… Due to the tricks of the fiend… Managed to take off with my cloak and a pillow… And Billy never left the safety of the couch, or his deep slumber. It seems he was never truly in danger… Still, I marvel at the merit in her actions. Truly, does she seek change? Even as the chaos of the day waned and she returned obviously angry, she did not drink as she did last time. No she tossed her flask to the flames, choosing instead fresh fruit to quell her need for sweet tastes. Dare I allow myself to fan that hope that she may yet truly change? Does mercy indeed work within the depths of her heart?

There was talk of the demon that is entwined in Billy’s fate. I dabble on the hope that the end of this tenday, fast approaching, is nothing more than a weighted but Idle threat. After all what purpose would be served to his lord, to Bhaal, to his faithful… if any harm came to Billy? A bluff? A gamble? Can I afford the wager? I pray I need not play such a risky hand. Billy is in such a fragile state. He cannot eat, he cannot drink… He sleeps… a sleep so steeped in pain and trouble that it elicits pleading murmurs from his transformed figure… despite his looks on the outside… in there is that dear young boy… And by the mercies, he has endured so much… to ask him to endure further breaks my heart to its core. And yet he endures. His strength is unmatched, and when he is again safely in the arms of mercy… Well He will not be let go of. I will see to that.

Also more blessings to count… So fortunate am I. After all this reading… I am finding hints to information that may well lead to the keys to Billy’ freedom. Seems this demon coiled within Billy is in this whole mess to further his own power. Unfortunately as demons go, that doesn’t necessarily limit down our choices any. However I am starting to think that the mystery’s solution lies not in the demon, and not entirely in the ritual… But in the God himself… or the man the god once was. I have the suspicion that there may be some link between the mortal and the boy…

And after so much searching… I find another clue.

I come to the book ‘The Rise and Fall of Netheril’ and while the majority of the text did pertain solely to such histories, there was a far more detailed account of the tale surrounding Jergal’s willing dethroning. Strangely it went on to list the names of the three men who eventually ascended to godhood… but the names were… absent from the page. Hidden? For what purpose? The protection of the innocent or the protection of more sinister parties? I peered at the page, part of me knowing that the answers I sought may yet lie in one or all of those names and felt my own frustrations boiling just beneath the surface. I closed myself and willed myself calm both inward and outward.

My eyes fell on Billy… Somewhere amid the storm of emotion, I found my resolve. So far Ilmater I have failed you… But I intend to see it remedied… and as I prayed reverently for the mystery hidden on the page to be revealed to me… I cannot say that I truly expected an answer. I felt myself fallen from the favor of my god, dearest and truest to my heart, and that gentle voice absent so long from my thoughts… though my heart longed for such, it held no beat in anticipation.

A name flashed before my eyes… the veil carefully lifted for the briefest of moments. As my mind’s eye struggled to grasp what was there, a soft whisper trickled through my troubled thoughts:

“This name Merielle, is not to be spoken lightly. It holds power and would prove dangerous to those that know it. Keep it safe my chosen.”

As the name danced through my mind, tumbled and cemented itself in my thoughts, I felt my very soul shuddering… weeping… as my being sought to cling to that gentle comfort, and soft warmth that in my heart I knew I did not deserve. Chosen? I deserve no such title… I flail about clumsily in my duty, nearly bringing about the end of all things that we seek to preserve. And still he opens his arms to me. I am humbled in a way that quakes through the depths of all I am, and resonates in a way I cannot describe.

“Walk knowing I walk with you my child. Let mercy guide your steps.”

I sat there… unsure of the pass of time as comfort rippled through me. Renewed and lifted from the darkness, again I saw hope’s light, that flickering flame… and no longer was it some fragile ember… but a flame full of warmth and light to brighten the darkness.

Renewed I looked on the final book. An imposing thing, large and bound in black leather. A title scratched into the leather reads ‘A Journey Through the Lower Planes’

To my horror the pages seem to be that of skin… the thought chills me as my hand turns the pages… Skin… -Human- Skin? I put the book down quickly, and instead distract myself with some more tea and converse with Emrys for some time. It wasn’t until the inn quiet, and all sense of jovial conversation had long since faded that I looked to the book again. My debate became one of this:

To sleep and face the horrors of my own mind… or delve into the mad rantings of a mage who decided a sojourn through the depths of the Multiverse was a grand idea… Both prospects equally terrifying… but only one of them would be useful. After all, sleep is something I avoid anyway… It has only been a few days since my last extended nap… I think I rested nearly four hours on that couch, Billy sleeping close by. And just the night past I slept nearly an hour… May as well read… at least terrifying information is more useful than terrifying nightmares. Prayers on my lips and resolve to find a way to help Billy… I think I can begin this task… I pray it shall be fruitful.
~~